I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
went fishing caught a bass
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!