Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.