Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
You Might Also Like
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Sharon, call the vet
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Meow
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high