My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.