For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
You Might Also Like
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.