Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why