Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.