Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Message from the dog groomers
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
fair
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My teenage children choosing violence
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary