I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking