TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.