I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
birds and squirrels envy us
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.