My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
pep talk
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
CUTE CAT‼︎
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.