God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel