Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
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me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Me too
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien