me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?