If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
WWE is French for “yes”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door