dutch is not a serious language
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Pringles
#StillHurts
love it when they get my name right
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed