I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing