“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.