Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
😂😂
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.