NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
what are they serving at kfc then???
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?