When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
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[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*jingles half the way*
SPLOOT
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.