Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to