The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
This did not end as expected.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.