“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Most fashion shows these days…
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home