I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Same pineapple, same
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
😩😩😩
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.