The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food