I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…