My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I’d hang this in my house.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I love you…
…r dog.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy