Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
(True)
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.