her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I only treason on days ending in y
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
This meal prepping shit easy
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays