Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while