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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
HERE’S MARKY
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?