[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Every. Damn. Time.