In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
New tinder profile pic
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
look at me when i’m typing to you
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest