Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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beware of dog
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
BaD BoY!!
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.