“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Why soy sad?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.