Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
You Might Also Like
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Stop being racist to kettles.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.