I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
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[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears