First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.