When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…