I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload