Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.