My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.