Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.