[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Bobby pin
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Stop.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like