“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
You Might Also Like
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!