I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If I were Noah, Iβd be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasnβt even close to five secondsβ¦you can still eat that
At some point youβll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane iβve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
A lot of people donβt realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Back to the Future but itβs just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I already tried new things thanks.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads βSomething went wrongβ.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife sheβs been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you canβt. If youβd rather run me over with a car thatβs cool. Are you mad at me?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, βHave you brushed your teeth today?β
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.