When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
dutch so unserious
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Whoa 😂
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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