Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Duolingo getting serious.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
podcasts
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands